This week’s blog is a compilation of recent stories you might have missed.

BDCP parties agree to a peripheral bucket line around Delta

– The 44 mile line would require 33,000 employees per shift, spaced 7 feet apart, and would have a capacity of 5 gallons per second.  A DWR spokesman said, “This approach will guarantee full employment for San Joaquin and Sacramento counties and ensure that the diversion doesn’t pick up a single fish.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Desert pupfish found near Delta export pumps

 

– Recent fish surveys in Clifton Court Forebay have found populations of endangered desert pupfish.  A spokesman from the Desert Development Authority hailed the finding, saying, “We have always said these fish could be found everywhere.  Now we can de-list the thing and get on with fully utilizing the desert’s vast water resources locked up in senseless environmental regulations.”  A recent UC Davis study of striped bass in Clifton Court Forebay showed they grow twice as fast eating pupfish as they do eating smelt.

Delta smelt restrictions increase San Joaquin Valley employment

 

– A recent study by a Stockton University economist has found the Delta smelt pumping restrictions have actually increased employment in the San Joaquin Valley.  “It turns out that most of the lawyers and their large staffs involved in these cases live in the Stockton, Fresno, and Bakersfield areas,” said Mitchel Jayfree, adding, “These folks have really stimulated the economy by purchasing larger houses.”

 

 

 

 

 

Water exporters propose to move everyone in the Sacramento Valley to southern California

– In an effort to expand habitat for native species and end problematic wastewater discharges into the Delta, two legislators from Southern California have proposed legislation that would require all residents of the Sacramento Valley to move to southern California.  “This would preserve the environment of the Sacramento Valley for native species, and prevent these people from polluting our water,” said a spokesman from the REALLY BIG Water District of Southern California.

Four million-acre feet of wasted water found!

– Atlantis Institute researchers recently found this water hiding in the mattresses of farmers.  “We always knew that farmers were secretly using drip irrigation at night and placing the water saved in warehouses of water beds,” said investigator Perrier Gulper.  “Now, I guess we’ll put the water back in the streams and aquifers,” said an Eastlands Water District spokesman.  The Brown administration is reportedly considering a fee on water beds to help overcome the budget deficit and provide funding for enforcement of the Fish and Game Code.

Mokelumne and Tuolumne Rivers declared independent of state authority

– The cities of San Francisco and Oakland have declared that the Tuolumne and Mokelumne rivers exist under their sole authority.  “These rivers are simply too hard to pronounce and so small that they don’t matter for the rest of the state.  We are doing the state a favor by taking them off all the negotiating tables,” said a joint spokesman.  A DWR spokesman agreed that an inability to pronounce these river names had been impeding statewide water discussions and suggested that these cities take over the Cosumnes River as well.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Nature Conservancy ends State budget crisis by buying California

-Resolving the state’s deep budget deficit, The Nature Conservancy today bought the State of California.  Most of the state will be returned to natural habitat, except for California’s Colorado River water rights (to be sold to Las Vegas) and most of southern California (being sold to Arizona and a group of Tijuana businessmen to give Arizona a sea port).  Reno-area casinos are seeking to purchase California’s portion of Lake Tahoe.  The purchase is also made possible by the recent stock market rise and declines in California real estate.

The Nature Conservancy previously had acquired major portions of California for environmental protection.  However, the new “Buy California Back” purchase acquires California’s last remaining natural places, along with the rest of the state.  According to Director of Acquisitions, Sarah Seeno, “Human activities are embedded in all facets of the state’s natural systems.  So, to protect what’s left, we had to buy the whole shebang.  We especially look forward to returning the San Francisco peninsula to sand dunes and restoring Hetch Hetchy Valley.”

Governor Brown, who now plans to retire, observed, ”California has just become ungovernable, and the sale of California ends current and future political deadlocks.”

Jay Lund ousted in UC Davis Watershed Center ‘Regime Shift ’

– In an early morning coup, Jeff Mount retook the Watershed Center on April 1.  “Lund was being unreasonably nice to farmers,” Mount said.  Fleeing the onslaught of biologists and geomorphologists, Lund said, “I have decided to leave administration to return to my field research on multi-phase fluid flows in saline environments.”  Two graduate students and a dog were injured as Jay modeled resistance.  John Calvin will now lead the Watershed Center’s modeling group, with a new Land Underwater Next in the Delta – LUND – model.

(Hope you enjoyed this April Fool’s Round-up. None of this should be taken seriously and if you didn’t find humor in at least one of these topics, you may need a funny bone transplant. And of course, no dogs–or grad students–were hurt in the making of this blog.)